Thanks to David Gurteen’s  May 2009 Knowledge Letter, I recently discovered Nancy Dixon, a knowledge management (KM) consultant who specializes in the personal/human aspects of KM. In a post on her blog, Conversation Matters, she described the value of conversation:

“The greatest benefit of conversation is that it produces five categories of responses [answers, meta knowledge, problem reformulation, validation and legitimization], not just the answer. We get so much more from conversation, e.g. an unexpected insight, a sense of affirmation that inspires us to new heights or, equally useful, having to confront a realization that we’ve been trying to avoid; deepening the relationship with a colleague or the introduction to a collaborator we would never have discovered on our own; and on and on. The multiplicity of benefits addresses the very real problem of not knowing what we don’t know. A problem that is so frequent when the issues we are addressing are ambiguous and complex.”

Suddenly a conversation with the right person is laden with possibilities. Could change-ability really be so simple? Let me know how conversation has increased your change-ability.

Feedforward... insight for the future

I first read about feedforward in Marshall Goldsmith’s book, What Got You Here won’t Get You There but you can also read an article about it on his website.

Asking co-workers or friends for feedback can be helpful–if they’re skilled and you’re accepting. As Goldsmith points out, feedback looks at events that have already happened. Change-ability means moving into the future with strategies and tools to adapt to new scenarios. Goldsmith’s feedforward tool is practical and easy. Here are the four steps for feedforward described in his book (p. 171).

1. Identify a behaviour that you believe if changed, would lead to a significant positive difference in your future. Goldsmith offers the example: I want to be a better listener.

2. Describe your goal to another person–someone you know or even someone you’ve just met. They don’t need to know anything about you or your life for this activity to be successful.

3. Ask this person for two suggestions that you could use in the future that would help you achieve the behavioural goal you’ve described. (If you know the person, Goldsmith notes that “the only ground rule is that there can be no mention of the past.”) The person then offers their two ideas.

4. Listen carefully to the suggestions and take notes if you wish. The final rule is that you  must not comment in any way other than to say “thank you.” Repeat the process with other people until you have all the suggestions you want or need or until the ideas begin to repeat.

We’ve all done variations of feedforward, but typically with one major limitation: we normally have a rebuttal ready to fire off when the person with the idea pauses to take a breath. We dismiss the idea because… “we tried it and it didn’t work” … or it could “never work for us because …”

Let me know ways you’ve used feedforward and how it turned out for you.

Notice facial expressions when listening

Photo: L.M. Solonynko

In my opinion, listening is so critical for resilience that it should really be change-ability tip #1. We all spend much of our daily lives listening. If you live with another person, pets, or even a radio, listening starts when you wake up in the morning. However, if you’re concerned about your resilience and change-ability rating right now, I propose that you consider fine tuning your listening skills.

Well developed listening skills (also called “active listening”) affect our resilience in two significant ways. First, active listening facilitates learning and information exchange–essential for navigating change. As soon as we’re feeling stressed or anxious, listening becomes more difficult. We’re preoccupied, probably fatigued, and often afraid of what is happening or what we think could happen. However, when we engage in active listening, we take in information from all sources available, including the speaker’s tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, pauses, etc. We take note of what the speaker chooses NOT to say as well. We encourage the speaker to continue by nodding or saying “uh huh … ” at appropriate moments and by resisting the urge to complete sentences for them. We look at the speaker and may lean forward slightly as occurs naturally when we’re interested in what is being communicated. Active listening provides the space for the speaker to communicate without being rushed or fear of being judged before completing a thought. Active listeners encourage free information flow, ask questions to clarify, and paraphrase to confirm their understanding. When in need of change-ability, never miss an opportunity to gather critical information as efficiently as possible.

The second way that active or “empathetic listening” as it is sometimes called, can make us more change-able is less obvious but perhaps more powerful. People who hone and practice high level listening skills are perceived as providing extraordinary value and leadership to others–probably because they do! Marshall Goldsmith, one of my favourite bloggers at HarvardBusiness.org, wrote in his book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There (p. 153): “The ability to make a person feel that, when you’re with that person, he or she is the most important (and the only) person in the room is the skill that separates the great from the near-great.” This quote is from his chapter on listening.

Change-ability tip #11 is challenging but essential. Active listening is like glue that builds relationships, networks, and community. You can never have too many friends and connections when you’re in the throes of change!

I’d love to hear your tips for developing better listening skills or ways that active listening has helped you be more change-able.

Cialdini describes the work of research psychologists in Texas who studied communication patterns of dating couples. Participating couples were asked to discuss an issue of contention where one person was trying to change the opinion or actions of the other.

The researchers observed three techniques:

1. the “coercive approach” which promised negative consequences for failing to agree
2. the “rational approach” which attempted to reason with the person to see the logical way to proceed and
3. the “relationship-raising approach” which Cialdini describes as a “breathtakingly simple and successful procedure.”

Techniques 1 and 2 were largely unsuccessful persuasion tactics, with the coercive approach actually increasing the gap between negotiators. Option 3, the relationship-raising approach moved partners significantly closer in their positions. When the persuader emphasizes the relationship by saying “You know, we’ve been together for a long time,” or “We see things from a similar perspective,” the other person is reminded of their common ground. Focusing on the personal connection makes the relationship the reason for change, not the persuader.

Cialdini continues by citing studies showing that seeking and discussing commonalities leads to stronger persuasive powers in the business world as well. This powerful approach to influencing others is neglected in favour of habitually focusing on our differences rather than our similarities.

The next time your story requires the art of persuasion, seek common ground… and let me know how it turns out.